I sat down to journal this morning as I always do, and had a very big Ah-Ha moment. I have been on my spiritual journey now for over 10 years and little by little more is revealed to me as to why my life has been the way it’s been, what choices I have made, and how they have impacted me. It came to my attention, as I was reading something about resistant thought, that I have been resistant to a relationship with a man for a very long time. I began to think, why have I pushed it away? What has driven me to keep men at bay in my life, or even have my children say, “Mom, you don’t like men.” I sure didn’t feel that was true by the way! Yet were they right?
I was in a room this morning filled with men. Men who are wanting a better life for themselves and utilize spiritual principles to acquire that. I have been visiting these rooms for a while now and they have made such a deep and profound impact on me. At first I wasn’t sure why I was drawn to these rooms yet I continued to go and listen. I have been in a sacred circle of women who want more for their lives for years. Today what I realized was I needed to see men who want more for their lives. Who want to connect to a greater power and to other men who want what they want. Men who want to help others and desire to be a better man for their families and their communities. I watch them be vulnerable and in service. I watch them show-up and tell their personal stories of triumph and heartache. These are the men I have craved to know my whole life, the ones who were missing in my life. Men who are awakening.
Yet even after all this time, of being alone with no partner or even dating much, because I left one who virtually destroyed my opinion of men(yet this had been a long time coming because I dated many men over the years who lied and cheated during our relationship-I attracted them because I was not healed inside), I still was not connecting my masculine and feminine energies. We are created with both masculine and feminine energy and while I was married and even a bit before by being in corporate America, I embraced my masculine quite well. I was raised Catholic, the middle of three girls, and we were taught to do whatever needed doing around the house and that included what I considered “boy” jobs. We did it all. My father was a superstar in my eyes and a very successful businessman despite his disfigured body. I was a lot like him in my business qualities and began to embrace that at a young age. I learned to worship the masculine, God. Where was the Goddess?
Once I got into my marriage, I was trying to merry being a mom, a wife, and the breadwinner. I didn’t know how to do it and so after a year and a half, and another baby on the way, I told my husband I was quitting my job to stay home with the kids and he was going to have to step up to the plate and earn more money to take care of us. He agreed, yet in the end, never did. Hence another lesson for me, because after a short time, I went back to embracing and letting my masculine dominate. It was so familiar. I was in so much fear we wouldn’t have money to pay our bills and it was in my co-dependent nature to fix things, so on top of doing everything else I started a part-time job. These small jobs continued until I left my husband. I have been learning to embrace my feminine, the Goddess, ever since.
So what does the feminine look like and how did I learn to worship her? How does one learn to worship the Goddess within, when they have worshiped the masculine for so long? For me, it looks like self-care, self-compassion, and body acceptance. It also looks like nurturing of myself and of my children, being present to them at a deeper level. It means embracing my sexuality and spending time in nature to build my intuition. The feminine calls me to feel my feelings and cry about it, sometimes over and over until it’s released. The feminine also lets me be with other women in sacred space to connect and build community. It means embodying my creativity through dance and writing. It’s acknowledging She EXISTS and She MATTERS! Without Her, there is no life brought to into existence!!!
Now here we are today, in this present moment, and over the last year I have begun to be in balance with both my masculine and feminine energies. I pushed away the masculine for so long(as I did with the feminine), yet I am recognizing how much it serves me to be in balance! I need that masculine part of me too. I shut it down on purpose and longed for my feminine to grow and be rebuilt, restored, and reclaimed. She is here now in full force, and it’s time to go out and LIVE my purpose and my passion in order to serve others who want it too!
photo credit: @judebeck